You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Ummm
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Merry Christmas
He-man has a Masters degree