Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
You Might Also Like
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy