This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
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I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
God has abandoned us.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no