Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
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Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.