if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
You Might Also Like
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.