‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you