Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Meow
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.