If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
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Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.