The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?