My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
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Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.