In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
You Might Also Like
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend