I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
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A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Always a housemaid, never a house.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this