(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite