*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
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We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children