5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
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wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.