Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.