a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
My neck my back my allergy attack
No time to explain get in the wood chipper