I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.