Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
You Might Also Like
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
This January has 47 Mondays
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.