accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*