[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
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I can fix him.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction