So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
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dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.