Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
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Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter