Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
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When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face