My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
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*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.