NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
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No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Generation gap…
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
This is my bus stop.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
The old gods are rising again.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”