I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
You Might Also Like
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I’d hang this in my house.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.