I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
How to woo a woman
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?