I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
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This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
When you don’t understand how floors work
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH