“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
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Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.