Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
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I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Sooo many times…..
This kid is going places
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.