You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me recordaron éste meme
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that