Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!