DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Found the job I’m suited for
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.