‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
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ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.