Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
You Might Also Like
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh