them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
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I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.