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Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.