When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
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I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage