Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
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*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
God has left this place
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
The Others (2001)
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.