My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
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Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.