I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.