A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
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Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas