looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂