Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
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me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.