My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
True
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Bless you
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.