Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
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(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
that colleague who touches your screen
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.