WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
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Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Happy thanksgiving
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet