the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day