You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
#Caturday
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times